"The Transition"

June has arrived and as the majority of the country enters it's first weeks of summer or it's last weeks of school, I've realized how this is truly a season of change.

I have students being promoted to the next grade, family graduating from school, friends getting married or having babies, and even some of them completely changing their lives by moving to another country (or coming home from one).

It always seems to be at the end of one stage of life that the impending arrival of that next phase comes rushing at you. But with that I think we forget about the calm before the storm. We can become really restless in the quiet that settles in before everything starts back up again.

But that reminds me of how important "the transition" really is. There is a necessity in having a brief period of time to collect yourself and prepare for the next big thing in your life. Granted, some of us get a whole summer and some of us are not quite as lucky, but regardless of how much time we get it's important to make use of it and not waste it speeding forward. We need to relax, which I think is the hardest thing for this generation to do (no matter what our parents say).

With that, I just wanted to offer a few reminders to all my friends out there as they transition from one point of life to the next. I may not be the wisest person in the world; the most traveled; the most informed...but I love you all and that's really where this comes from: me wanting to show love to you in the best way I know how.

So...here we go: 

1. Take a breath, "surreality" is going to last a while, but it won't last forever.

Whether you're graduating school, getting married, or simply finding your place in a new world, it's all going to feel new and exciting and you'll start see how much potential life has to be amazing. But with that you'll also see the potential for it to fall completely apart, for everything to go wrong or go away, leaving you heartbroken and with nothing left to build back up.

So with both of those images in mind it's easy to see why so many of us get overwhelmed and fluctuate between one emotion to the next. We never feel grounded, always feeling like we're stuck in a limbo or dream state. But the truth about dreams is that eventually we wake up, we come back to life and can use it to fuel how we conquer the rest of the day.

So, while you wait for that moment...take a breath.

Take a moment to step back and give yourself some space. Allow yourself some time to adjust and remember that God is always bigger than the greatest fear you can think up and even the ones you wouldn't.

2. Moving into a new world may mean adjusting to a new world of people, but that includes a new you. Take some time to get to know you.

With whatever fresh start this is, you must know that the person you are now as opposed to the person who originally dreamed of getting here is not the same person. You've got new goals, new ideas, new...everything. So use this time to get to know the new you before getting thrown into a place of new faces.

Every day is a new day to work on ourselves in both big and small ways.

Take Paul for instance, in Acts 13 we find out that he changed his name from Saul to Paul. Commentators and scholars have debated on the reasons for it and Paul never really specifies, but some people say that Paul is a more Roman name, so in order to reach out to the gentiles he changes his name from Saul to Paul so that they might listen to him.

Others say that Paul was looking to separate himself from the person he was. Saul persecuted Christians, while Paul loved them and was one of them. The name Saul means "head and shoulders" while Paul or Paulus means, "small" or "little" so as a way to proclaim his new found faith he demoted himself from superiority to inferiority.

Whatever the case, Paul made a small change that spoke to the biggest change in his life. He was a new person redeemed by the blood of the lamb and that small alteration to his life was evidence to the bigger ways he'd grown.

Now, I'm not advocating that everyone change their name, but remember that change is constant and that we are constantly transforming into the people that God wants us to be. We are an unfinished work that is being refined each day. So especially now, in the moments when the transition is visible, take advantage of it. Ask yourself who you want to be, pray for God to reveal who He wants you to be, and then do something about it.

3. Sitting in silence is not the same as being lazy.

Our generation (millenial/digital native) has the shortest attention span to date due to the accessibility of information. The immediacy of everything now-a-days has reduced our ability to have any sort of patience and especially now, with summer right at our feet, it's easy to feel restless when we have so much time on our hands.

There was a time in my life when God literally stripped everything away from me and forced me to realize how I was prone to filling up my free time with busy work. I disguised it with my own justification that I was being "productive" but the truth is I was just trying to fill the silence because I felt so uncomfortable in it. I felt like if I wasn't doing something I was wasting time.

But then God showed me just how beautiful the silence could be and how necessary it is to just sit in God's presence and soak it all up. I wrote in my journal,

"I live for the quiet moments. I used to fill in the silence with people and activities, feeling like I was wasting time with nothing to do. But I find now that I yearn for those sweet silences ...I don’t feel so enclosed anymore. Instead I feel safe and comfortable, like I’m part of the big picture and not trapped under a pile of its pieces. ....there is this serenity that I’ve never felt before.

                  With the television off, the windows open, and just the sound of our steady breathing, I feel like I can think. Like I can exhale after five years of holding it all in. So, I live for those silences. The silences that God fills with Himself."

It's really easy to fill up the day with things to do. It's natural, especially in the US, to just be "on-the-go" at all times. To take on everything we can because that's the American mindset: we CAN do everything. But I think the hard thing to remember is: we don't have to.

At this point in time, if you have some free time to enjoy the summer, to enjoy the quiet before life begins all over again, don't give it away. Don't think of it as bad. Enjoy it while it lasts and see it as a blessing to recharge, to relax, and to remember that you are never in it alone.

4. Being lazy is not the same as sitting in silence.

On the opposite side of that, it can also be very easy to sit idle, justifying yourself in your laziness as "enjoying the time off." But that's why practicing discernment is so important. You have to know the difference between being "at rest" and being "idle". They are not the same thing! While on one hand you may be taking the time to recharge, to prepare, to sit with God and converse with Him on what your next steps should be, on the other hand you're watching Netflix instead of finishing that job application that you've been promising yourself you would do sometime in the last few months and the deadline is tomorrow.

When I say sit in silence and enjoy your resting period, I'm not advocating you sit and completely be a couch potato. No! Haha, I'm saying that you give yourself a break, that you let yourself and your heart come to a nice steady pace and not put so much pressure to just race from one thing to the next. But that means actually planning out some things.

In Philippians 4, it says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God, And there the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (vs. 6-7)

Here in this passage, Paul tells us that God has given us the freedom to not be anxious because He will take care of us, but with that we must be ACTIVE in our prayer and praise. We must be in conversation with God, letting Him know what our concerns, what our desires, our hopes and our fears are, which will then be rewarded with peace. So we can't just sit and wait for things to happen (though sometimes it can happen).

No, if we really are going to sit and trust that God will take care of the things we're preparing for and worried about, we have to be willing to share with Him what those things are. Not because He doesn't already know, but...because that's what being in a relationship with Him is, sharing life.

In 2nd Chronicles, Jehoshaphat is the fourth king of Judah and a man of God who brought peace to the land out of his love and devotion to the Lord. In chapter 20, he hears from some of his people that the Moabites, the Ammonites, and some of the Meunites are coming to attack and he knows that he doesn't have the man power to battle them. So he rallies his entire country to turn to the Lord and pray.

Jehoshaphat was a man of great faith. He probably trusted without a doubt that God would protect them, that God would save them. But he didn't just brush it off and say, "Ah, no worries. I've got God on my side. God knows what's going down." No. He prayed and not only that, he got EVERYONE to pray. That's what it is to trust and rest in your faith of God's ability, without being a lazy bum.

5. God is in every chapter and He allows others to be there too.

Later on in Philippians 4, Paul writes, "Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me." (vs.11-12)

He was talking to the church pf Philippians, thanking them for their concern for him. They were praying for him as he struggled to share the gospel with more and more cities. Paul was often times transitioning from one place to the next doing what he felt God was calling him to do and facing trials at almost every turn. He says in vs. 15, "You Philippians yourselves know that in the beginning of the gospel, when I left Macedonia, no church entered into partnership with me in giving and receiving, except you only." He was thanking them for their support and yet still encouraged them. He recounted how their support in tandem with the lack of support of others allowed him to experience God's goodness at an even greater intensity because he knew what it was like to be loved and hated, to be overwhelmingly blessed and still crippled by need and yet he saw God's grace in all of it.

That's what that next phase for all of us will be. A transition into a new reality that will sometimes be full of blessing and full of trial. But in everything, God is still good. God sustains. God is there.

So as you go wherever it is you're heading next, remember the people who are rooting for you, the people who are praying for you and actively praying for your success, your joy, your comfort in spite of all the people you meet who might tear you down.

And remember that in the midst of it all, God is there. You will never be without His presence and because of that you will sustained.

How amazing is that? So, enjoy your transition. Spend as much time with God as you can and I can guarantee (from experience) that you will always be surprised by the blessing of God's faithfulness.

Conquered

This semester has been a whirlwind; that's the only way I can think to describe it. It came in a flurry of excitement and swept me up into it's force and with it I sped through my classes and my activities in a tailspin almost the entire time.

It was hard and it was exhausting...but it's finally over and I feel like my body is finally catching up to where my mind has settled.

Today was my Thesis Defense. Now, for those of you who don't know what that is, my thesis is the final step between me and my degree. But before I can even write a thesis, I need to write up a thesis proposal, present it to the entire English department, and then they deliberate on whether or not the University approves and will support my research.

So, today was the day. After an entire semester of trying to keep up with classes while taking a crash course in TESOL education (which I had a cursory knowledge of prior to this semester) all for the sake of the passion I feel God has given to me for International students and their education, I stood in front of my department and laid my soul bare.

And I was afraid. I had lost confidence sometime between Friday and today to the point where I started having nightmares that the department would say I had chosen the wrong discipline to do this type of research. I imagined them telling me, I would have to reapply under Education and start all over...suffice to say I couldn't sleep.

To add to that, my flight to the Philippines was set for right after the defense, meaning that in the midst of edits I was trying to fit what seemed like an endless supply of chocolate into a suitcase and not go over 30lbs. And, after the defense, there was no hobknobbing o try and gauge how I had done. Nope. I booked it back home and then made my way to LAX.

So...in short, this has been one heck of a semester, which culminated in one heck of a weekend. And now, I sit in a bustling airport with outrageously priced water, waiting to board a plane to meet up with my family. This is when the vacation starts right?

Goodness, I hope so. Lol

But, now that I can look back at it...my defense, as nerve-wracking as it was, left me drained but satisfied. I have no idea what any of my professors thought, but I was encouraged by their support.

Last year, I sat in on one of the Thesis proposal sessions and I only knew about three professors out of the ten to twelve that are in our department. I was intimidated by their brilliance and yet this year, I was inspired by it and could partake in the knowledge and humor they had to share. More than that, I felt their support. They knew me and could therefore comment on my work with more than just courtesy and I could believe them when they told me that they were excited for my future and that they were interested in what I had to say.

A lot can change in just one year. I am reminded of that today just as I have been the last few years when God has just surprised me with His sovereignty.

37 No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. 38 For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, 39 nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The Fork in the Road

I've grown restless lately, which baffles me because I have found such immense joy in what I've been studying and through my course work that you would think that I would be at peace. But my humanity will always want more and it makes me laugh that a Korean drama television show is what has made me realize that my heart is unsettled.

It sounds crazy and I'm sure that if I were to bring up to any of my friends that some Korean television show has me thinking seriously about my life, they would worry I was lonely and seeking companionship.

But that's not what happened. After successfully falling into a binge-watching marathon of Coffee Prince, what I realized was that...I don't want to stay here in the States. In fact...there is a whole world out there that I want to see and explore and...teach. While, I'll admit that Coffee Prince satisfied the romantic in me, as most Korean Dramas set out to do, I found myself incredibly fascinated by the way the language worked to facilitate communication, what English words were used, and the cultural behaviors that were used to aid communication. I was...I was so interested in how culture dictated the characters lives that it nearly eclipsed the plot all together. I wanted to learn more and it made me realize that that is what I love the most: people watching, learning about culture...using those inferences and new things I've seen to help me teach.

There was a brief moment there where I got incredibly excited by the prospect of what my degree and my thesis could do for my career that I forgot what my original plan had not been centered on a career. My original plan didn't include being a professor in the States. It included me being a teacher. It included me...being a missionary. Going out. That's what I wanted and I lost sight of that for a while. But why? Because I got caught up in the smaller details and lost sight of the big picture.

I want to be a missionary. I want to teach English. And while I understand that you can be a missionary wherever you are and you should live life on a mission, I just...I can't shake this feeling that there is something greater at work. My heart yearns for something...more.

Now it's a matter of discerning of if that is my humanity or God's divinity that is crying out for me to follow it.

"Fake it 'til you Make it"

As a teacher, or as someone who hopes to be a teacher, I've found that some of my favorite tools in the classroom are catchy adages to try keep my students processing. In the past, I usually teach kids younger than 5th grade so what helps them remember verses and rules are actions and acronyms as well as catch phrases. One of my more popular sayings as my kids learn their memory verse is, "Fake it 'til you make it." Now, it may not sound like an appropriate thing to teach little kids, but I always present it with the proper context.

Kids, when they can't seem to remember their memory verse, tend to shy away from the words. They lose their boldness. When I say, "Fake it 'till you make it," it's to encourage them to be bold, to not be afraid of making mistakes, to make the mistakes with gusto and to learn from them.

I find myself now clinging to that adage in my own life. As my trip to the Philippines winds down, I find myself resting on that phrase more and more, "Fake it 'till you make it," because at the moment...it doesn't feel like I'll make it. I'm starting to lose my confidence in my ability to let go of this place for a second time.

The thought that I can rest on is that "it's doable, coming to the Philippines is a completely doable thing." It's just a matter of how much you want it, how serious you really are about it. So...am I serious about this? Am I serious about the Philippines?

A part of me is screaming, "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. and Yes."

But there is a tiny part of me that is holding back, a tiny part of me that thinks of my dad and my mom, of my sister and brother, of my life in the States. Could I really give all of that up? It's one thing to give myself a deadline, to stay for a month or a year or whatever, but always know that I have a return trip already paid for. It's another thing entirely to buy a one way ticket and to submit myself to the prospect of saving money here to try and return to the States.

That is a more daunting task. To have to save 64,000+ pesos...or more realistically, twice that amount, to try and return home.

"Fake it 'till you make it." Feign the confidence until you have it...be bold. Be strong. Be brave.

Two years is a long time. Much longer than a year. And so much changed in that one year...how much more will change? What exactly will I be coming back to? It won't be the same. Is that what I want? To come back to something I don't recognize? I guess that depends on what my expectations are. The first time I came, I had no expectations and that's why the experience was so amazing. It didn't disappoint. This time around, I already knew what my disappointments would be. But I still enjoyed. I still love this place. But next time?

Who knows what next time will bring.

Yeah....maybe that's something that I've got to hold onto for another two years.

"Balikbayan"

There was one night in Maydolong when the electricity went out and it was too hot to sleep upstairs. Kimberly and Joey brought the mattress from the spare bedroom down to the sala (living room), moved the coffee table out of the way so we could set up camp. We left the back door open, but the metal screen door locked. Joey turned the music from his phone on shuffle and the songs melded with the sound of the crickets outside.

Kimberly lit candles around the house. Two on the kitchen counter and one by the bathroom. It was still early, so we all nestled in, staring at the shadows that the candles cast over the walls. We talked about different things, I asked them questions about school and they asked me questions about home and about Lolo and Lola. Finally, I asked Joey, "What does 'Oo nga' mean?" prolonging the sound of the "a". He laughed.

"What? You mean "Oo nga?"

His "a" was short and clipped at the end and I repeated it before saying, "Yeah, that."

He explained that it was like a, "Yes of course," but that I had to say it correctly because, "Oo nga" with a prolonged "a" was the sound of a caribao. He proceeded to demonstrate, "Oh oh ngaaaaaaaaa," and I laughed so hard and so genuinely that eventually both Joey and Kimberly descended into the giggles.

The rest of the evening tapered off into a comfortable silence. We all laid out in the sala, quiet, with a peace I've never felt before. It was so humid that we each clung to the tile floor to try and keep cool, but eventually, we all fell asleep, the steady breathing of each other joining the sophisticated orchestra of Joey's OPM and the sounds of Maydolong at night.

When I woke up the next morning, having barely moved from my place on the wooden bench and my back feeling better than it had in years, the first sound I heard was of a caribao, "oo nga-ing" at the rising sun. I giggled until Kimberly woke up and giggled with me.

That is one of my favorite memories. It is one of the memories that led me to fall in love with the Philippines and whenever I miss it, whenever I find myself drowning under the "#firstworldproblems", I think back to that night and I find that peace all over again. I remember how simple it is to be happy when you let yourself be happy and how uncomplicated God's blessings really are when you take the time to see them for what they are: moments of peace and love.

When I was leaving the Philippines I couldn't stop crying. I was so overwhelmed by everything that had happened. I was so empty and so full all at the same time that I couldn't reconcile myself. It was hard for me to move on. But I knew that God sent me to the Philippines for a reason and He brought me back home for a reason as well. It took me almost a year to truly embrace that, but I did and it has made my experience here now, coming back, that much more enriching. I needed the year to grow apart from who I was when I was here, because God has not finished with me yet and now I can truly be excited for that.

Things have changed. The "Balikbayan" has returned to a place that is in a different place in its life. Maydolong, along with all of my friends, have grown and changed and matured. It's both encouraging and saddening. I miss my friends, I miss our time together and the things we did as friends. But at the same time, its good that things have changed, they couldn't stay the same, because none of us are the same.

And more than that, this allows me to see that, in spite of all of the changes...I still love the Philippines. Memories like the one of that humid night so long ago, are still real and they are still beautiful and they are still important, because they connect us: me, Joey, and Kimberly. It binds us together as family and friends. God gave us that and every time I come here, for years to come, I will remember that night and the other nights I spent with the CYF, with Lolo and Lola. I will remember them and love them just as I did back then.

That's what a "Balikbayan" returns for, the memories of a time long since gone and the chance to make new ones in the time we're in.

There is no denying it, God has carved a special place in my heart for this country, most specifically this town and these people. I am enjoying the quiet and the peace and the love. I now only wish that I could share this with the world. If only they knew that the Philippines is still the pearl of the orient. If only they knew....

462

It has been 1 year, 3 months, and 6 days since I've been on Philippine soil. 

That means, it's been 462 days of me completely badgering my parents about coming back here, of me dreaming of missions work, teaching, and just living my life, of me praying that God would reveal the purpose of this desire, of me crying over how painful it was to not know why I felt so strongly for a country I had only spent a fraction of my life in.

462 days of me feeling so stretched thin that I felt I might rip in half...

So how does it feel now that I'm here?

Honestly? Kind of the same. I won't deny that I am over the moon to be back and to be able to share experiences with people that I haven't seen in over a year. I am excited to take on the day and visit friends and family. I'm excited to go back to Samar and see how everything has changed. But that doesn't alter the fact that I've been changed, that I am a different person than who I was when I left and so this whole experience is with different eyes.

I wish my sister and brother were here. I wish I could share this with my mom and dad. But there is blessing in them not being here. Actually, I see the blessing in even my family, who lives here in Manila, not being here to kind of navigate my journey. This way I am truly independent which will help me see this place as what it would be if ever there comes a day when I come back for more than just a month.

More than that, it allows for me to take this experience with the perspective it deserves: mine.

I am excited to take on this adventure. To find resolve for the things that I felt didn't have it 462 days before and to maybe become aware of some of the things that need resolve when I go back to the States. I'm excited to adapt all over again and to fall in love with the Philippines with greater passion.

I'm excited to be a Balikbayan. "Balik" means "to return" and checking off that box on my customs form gave me a thrill like no other. I'm excited to see what happens this month and how different I am going to be by the end of it.

462 days. We'll see what 25 more days will do, shall we?

Single |sin•gle| (adjective) - Voluntarily Happy & Independent

I have reached that age where everyone around me is getting engaged. All of my friends are slowly taking their serious relationships to that higher level of commitment and it is a beautiful thing. I am always over the moon whenever I catch wind of one of my friends taking that leap into the next chapter of their lives.

The only problem is that...everyone around me seems to assume that I am looking to open that next chapter for myself. Or that I should be looking to. This, in turn, makes every interaction I have with the opposite sex tense with "potential" and no one can seem to accept that I have male friends. Everyone immediately jumps to the conclusion that there must be something more in the works.

Take my upcoming visit to Samar, this August. I'll admit, I had my share of school girl experiences on the island. With my first real taste of adventure away from home, it's not surprising. But everyone keeps asking, "who are you going to see when you go back?"

My response is always, "Everyone," because that is really my intention. To see everyone: my cousins, my students, my friends. But then I get fixed with a questioning stare and no one seems to believe me. They think I'm hiding ulterior motives. Like I'm scratching my way back to the Philippines for the sake of a boy.

And that's just not true.

I am a very different person from the one who left the Philippines a year ago. Just like I was a very different person from the one who left for the Philippines two years ago. I wanted different things then and since then I haven't stopped growing and changing. I just wish someone would believe me.

Now, granted, I'm more than willing to admit that I set myself up for this. There was a time when all I thought about was one day getting married and I told everyone that.

My deepest fear was being alone. I wrote in one of my old blog posts:

"Sometimes I feel like I have so much love in my heart for a husband and kids that I’ll never have. Sometimes I feel like I’ll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride and the surrogate mother title I’ve come to be known as, over the years of fostering and nurturing kids in school and in church, is the only title of “mom” I’ll ever get."

And it was true. I was afraid of being called to singleness. I wanted, above all else, to want God more than I wanted marriage, but at the same time, I just wasn't there.

"I know I have my whole life to find that one guy who will be willing to do all of this with me, but…that’s my confession. As young as I am, I get scared that it will never happen for me and I pray everyday for God to just give me the peace of mind I need to accept whatever He has in store for my life and the life of the family I may or may not have."

I was completely devastated by the thought of never having a family of my own. More than that I criticized myself for not being able to attract anyone. I looked at myself as unworthy, ugly, not enough. I allowed Satan to whisper words of discouragement to break my self-esteem and I thought the only way to break free of that was to fall in love; to find that one boy who would see me as beautiful.

But...someone already saw me as beautiful and He was trying to tell me every second of every day of my life and I just couldn't find it to be enough. I couldn't see passed my own mirror until I was torn away from it and forced to look at just how big the world really is.

My prayer went like this: " I want to be okay with [singleness]. I want to accept it if that is God’s will [for me]."

And God answered that prayer.

Now, don't misunderstand me, I'm not proclaiming any sort of lifelong celibacy, I'm not saying that I am completely against the idea of marriage or saying that I don't want to get married ever...because that's not true. But I am saying that I love God more than I love my future. I trust God with my future and if that involves being married, then great. If it doesn't. Then, that's still great.

It took me a long time to get to this point. To get to the point where I stopped desiring to be desired. God made that possible because He gave me joy in desiring Him.

And so now, when I say that I am single, I say it with a confidence I have never had before. I say it as someone who views singleness as a huge blessing because it is one given to me by God. If He wanted me to be in a relationship, if He wanted me married, then I would be there. But I'm not, and I have already spent too much time worrying about the love I didn't have in my life and not appreciating the love I did. 

I love being single. I'm not looking for a relationship. I'm not closing myself off to the possibility of one, but I have other things to worry about, other things to take care of first like...school and my own finances. I want to be independent and self-sufficient and more self-aware than I am now and that's the truth.

I love being single. I'm going to the Philippines to visit family and friends. I'm not going there to re-imagine some fantasy. I'm going there because I've grown and I'm different and God provided the money and the means. That's it.

That's all it ever was.

Again, I love being single. Singleness is a beautiful thing and believe me when I say that I am going to enjoy it as much as possible.

-Aarika

Hey there, Friend.

I have started to really miss my friends.

I have a lot of family and a lot of people who I can consider as friends in the sense of "people that I hang out with and like to spend time with." But I have very few close friends that I share my failings, my regrets, my dreams, and my ambitions with. Actually, if I think about it I have three. Three amazing friends that I truly praise God for.

The hard thing is that the four of us have very busy lives and while we strive to stay in contact and in communication with each other....it's hard. Definitely hard. And the worst part is that I've realized that this next year is going to bring us all to even further distances.

Life has brought us to this point where we are making major life decisions that will affect many things, most apparently our proximity. It actually started maybe a few years ago and I just never really realized it until now.

It makes me a little sad that everything will eventually change, but that is life. Change is constant and is always necessary.

The root of the matter is that I love my friends and I am so proud of the women they are and the women I see them becoming. So, this post is me wanting to put that down. I don't think I've really every truly expressed how my friends have blessed me and how God has used them to refine me. They openly rebuke me, they call me out on my crap, they point me back to Christ, they ground me and remind me to stay grounded in the Word.

I am luckier than most and as we reach our final stretch in what is going to be our last few months together...I find that I would like to just say a few things about each and every one of them. Just to lay it all out there.

So, here it goes.

Sandy, the Steadfast

This is Sandy, one of my oldest friends who I have, practically spent all of my life with. We have seen each other from diapers to heels, have been sisters in Christ, sisters in church, and become sisters in life.

We have seen each other through the best and the worst decisions. Talked out nearly every situation we have ever gotten ourselves into and have only grown closer as the years have gone by.

She is by far one of the funniest people I have ever met. Her sarcasm is unparalleled and that is saying something as I am surrounded by incredibly sarcastic people.

But if one thing stands out in  my mind with Sandy, it is her faithfulness.

She has always been a faithful friend to me and I could not ask for anything better.

She teaches me what it is to be professional, to hold yourself in a way that is graceful and proper and right. She is the person that I emulate for those qualities because while I am older (by only a few months) sometimes her maturity puts me to shame. She is honest and straight forward, she is not afraid to tell you what she thinks and not afraid to hurt your feelings, though it is never her intention.

She has a temper, but she also tempers it with control and a self-awareness of how her actions might affect others. She is so loving and gracious and genuine and God has used her to be my reality check time and time again.

Sandy and I have very different approaches to life. While we both share a lot of the same qualities such as a soft spot for young adult dramas like One Tree Hill and Disney heart throbs like Zac Efron, we are also very different.

Sandy has always been more focused, in my opinion. She has always been more practical and steady while I have swayed from time to time. And I praise God for that because it is her steadiness that anchors me. Her example reminds me of the gospel, of God's steadiness and God's promise. She has taught me through example what it is to trust God and His sovereignty and more than that she reminds me of His faithfulness through her own faithfulness to me and to the Lord.

Hebrews 6:16-19

16 For people swear by something greater than themselves, and in all their disputes an oath is final for confirmation. 17 So when God desired to show more convincingly to the heirs of the promise the unchangeable character of his purpose, he guaranteed it with an oath, 18 so that by two unchangeable things, in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled for refuge might have strong encouragement to hold fast to the hope set before us. 19 We have this as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul, a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain,

Sandy, in my opinion, has always been more mature than me. More definitive in her actions, stronger in her opinions, and yet at the same time she has always been calm and collected and poised. I praise God for having her in my life and I am so excited for the next chapter of her life which includes Graduate school.

I have seen her grow, seen how God has shaped her into this incredible force to be reckoned with. I don't even think she sees just how powerful she really is. But I know that even if she can never truly acknowledge it in herself, I do. And God is definitely going to use that to reach more and more people. She's on the brink of an entirely new chapter of her life, looking to set out on her own, stepping closer and closer to her dream of becoming a pillar in the Medical community. There are now words to describe how proud of her I am. How excited I am for her, and how much I will be praying for the fruition of her work. Sandy is going to do great things and I pray that I'll be around to witness it.

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Cleofaye, the Crusader

This is my friend, Peniel. Cleofaye Peniel to be exact and her name, I have always thought, fits her so well. It is unique and deep in its meaning. Peniel, according to the Bible, means one who has seen God and been preserved.

I find that to be very telling of who Peniel is. She, out of all of my friends, is the artist, the one who sees God in all of life and creates from that. Now, I have many artistic friends, many who draw inspiration from the gospel and see God working everywhere, but Peniel has always been, in my opinion, the most conscious of it.

She is always aware of the weight of God's greatness. She feels it and sees it and more importantly has always been motivated to share it. She is bold and creative and a little bit of a rebel with a passion that is so powerful that it speaks volumes to those around her.

But what I love most about Peniel is her willingness to try anything and do anything and be anything. I have always envied her courage, her gumption, more people need to be like that.

Just like Sandy, Penny is driven and focused. But where they differ really just lies in direction. Peniel's focus has always been on carrying out the Great Commission.

Matthew 28:18-20

18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[a] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

And Penny lives by that. Her heart is so big and her eyes are so wide for the world that she could conquer it one day if she really wanted to. Her desire has always been to see what God has created in this world and make her mark on it. But more than that, Penny just wants the world to know about Jesus, to know how his life and death has saved her and that he lived and died to save all of us. That God loved all of us so much that He sent His son to die and if we go through his life never acknowledging that, never coming to know who Jesus is then...we are lost. We will be lost and there will be no coming back.

God has used her to push me and convict me in my actions. He has used Peniel's example of service to remind me that it is not just about serving my local church, but about serving the universal one. He used Penny to show me that the world is a big place full of lost souls and if it wasn't for Peniel being in my life...I would have missed out on that lesson all together.

God truly was working when he gave Penny to me as a friend and I really can attribute the changes that have happened to me in the last two years to her example. God used her and continues to use her as a means of encouragement, of rebuke, and of motivation. So, every time she talks of Missions, of Thailand, or even just of evangelizing to those around her, I struggle not to get choked up about it because I see the fingerprints of God on her life. Penny really is the one who I can see taking over the world one day and I just might follow to help her do it.

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Richelle, the Righteous

Last of all, is RJ. My biffs. My biffers...lol

Richelle Jean Navales is my accountability partner and the person I learned what that type of relationship should actually look like with. Our desire for the past six, nearly seven, years of our friendship was to achieve transparency with each other and that has proven to strengthen both of our faiths.

Because there are no secrets there is no distrust, dishonesty, or disloyalty and because of that we are the stronger for it.

I praise God for RJ's presence in my life because she is constantly reminding me to find the joy that God is freely giving in all things. Her happiness in our salvation is infectious and is what often pulls me out of the depths of my selfish discouragement. She pushes me to remember that I am made beautiful in God's eyes because He made me for His purpose. Also, if we seek to glorify Him in everything we do, then nothing Satan can do or say can stop us from doing amazing things for God's glory.

Psalms 30:11-12

¹¹ You have turned for me my mourning into dancing;
    you have loosed my sackcloth
    and clothed me with gladness,
¹² that my glory may sing your praise and not be silent.
    O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever!

RJ inspires me. Just like Penny, just like Sandy, she has iron clad convictions and passions that motivate her to act for the furtherance of God's kingdom, which is why this July she will be leaving the comforts of the US to explore the world. A new country every month for the next year with World Race. I won't lie, I'm a little jealous. But that small feeling of jealousy is overwhelmed by the joy that I have for the work she will be doing. I know what it is to leave home, to have to face spending an entire year away from the people you love the most and have to build something new. I also know that it is in those type of experiences that God reveals just how faithful, powerful, and all-knowing He is. The truth is that this world is full of people who need the type of joy that God has given RJ. The type of joy that is all encompassing and reminds people that God's grace is enough to sustain it, so the fact that she will be going out to do work, to spread the Gospel, reinvigorates my hope for this world.

RJ may be one person, but God has shown me how He can move mountains with people who are willing to go. RJ is one of those people. I can't wait to see what this year will have to offer her.

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Truthfully, I am excited to see what this next year will bring for all of my friends. Each and every one of them are facing major life decisions; decisions that could shake anyone's confidence regarding: career, money, passion and ambition. But all three of these girls, that I love so much, have one thing in common: a love for God the Father and the faith that Christ is coming back for us. With that, they know the importance of reaching out, of building relationships, of serving; doing the work, and I praise God for equipping them to do so.

This next year, like I said, is going to possibly pull us apart in regards to distance. But because of Christ we are bound to one another, no distance could separate us for too long because we will spend eternity together in heaven. And that's really what keeps me from being depressed for too long about things changing: the fact that God's love is what links us, Christ's sacrifice saves us and binds us together.

So to you, my friends. I just want you to
know that I do miss you. I want to spend as much time with you as possible before life happens and we lose track of each other. But even if we don't get that time together...I want you to know how proud I am of you. How I am one your biggest fans. How I know that God has begun a good work in you and that He is going to do amazing things with your life.

Keep seeking Him. Keep loving Him. And know that I will keep praying for each of you.

I love you guys. I cannot get over the blessing of your presence in my life and I just want you to know that because God is owed the glory for our paths crossing. He knew just what I needed, who I needed and that...that moves me.

In closing...this song is dedicated to all of you:

"Live your purpose."

Literature adds to reality, it does not simply describe it. It enriches the necessary competencies that daily life requires and provides; and in this respect, it irrigates the deserts that our lives have already become.

C. S. Lewis 

I am so overly blessed by school that sometimes I can hardly keep my inspiration at bay. I attended a Christian school once before, from Kinder through 2nd grade, but spent the rest of my education in public school.

Which is why the contrast between the experience of my undergrad and my experience in graduate school thus far is so incredible. To have been immersed in a secular sphere and have to tiptoe around my faith, trying to figure out which battles to fight as well as finding the courage to do so or the humility to not was difficult and tiring.

More often than I would care to admit, I faltered. I compromised. I fled. And that isn't to say that it wouldn't have happened if I had stayed in a Christian school. Even I know the pitfalls of staying within a Christan bubble and I have seen the damage it has done to many of my friends. But it is to say that I faced the trial of many lonely days without much support and not knowing who I could really trust to be myself around.

Which led to my confusion over who I really was in general.

I stumbled around for years trying to get my bearings in life; constantly in flux between who I was on Friday and Sunday and who I was the rest of the week. And it wasn't until I graduated from high school that I was able to separate myself enough to start fresh.

My undergraduate years weren't any more filled with Christian brotherhood nor were they any less filled with religious intolerance. I mean, I'm a part of the generation that first voted on Prop 8, so I've been knee deep in the religion vs. morality argument for most of my life. But it's easier to remove yourself from the argument when you only see your peers twice a week and can submerge yourself in a church bubble.

So, when I started my Master's program and my Professors openly expressed their faith in class, one of them even praying that we would glorify God in all of our discussion and might seek to honor Him with all of our endeavors, I was moved. And I am continually moved.

Every day I go to school I am reminded of how much of a blessing going to a Christian school really is. For so long my beliefs have been ostracized from the classroom, often deemed unfit for academics because they are based on faith and not "accepted" fact. And even when they come into discussion  for whatever reason (an author's religious background, a time period's religious persecution etc.) they are often causes for scrutiny. A reason for their inadmissibility.

But at school now? At school we can actually address religion without crippling it. We do not, by any means, skew everything in favor of the church. We don't suddenly agree with the puritanism practiced in Hawthorne's novels or praise Harriet Beecher Stowe on her "good Christian morals". But we can look at their work in its entirety, including religion as a valid theme, and even learning something from it.

I find that the novels I once read in public school...they take on new meaning because I see them fully and am not afraid to bring up allusions to Christ that are present. Moreover, there is no one in class heckling me for bringing them up, saying that I only see them because I'm a Christian. I can be myself.

That's the biggest blessing I see from all of this. I can be completely and utterly myself.

A Christian. That loves the Lord. That strives to glorify Him with everything I do. Someone who wants to give that glory to Him and Him only. That's who I am.

Praise God.

"One Day..."

On August 11, 2012 I wrote down a list for myself. It had no deadline, but it was also not a suggestion. It was a list of things that I was demanding of myself. I wanted to build myself up to be the type of person this list talked about.

But I forgot about this list once I came home. I forgot it existed, until today when I was thinking about all the things I have allowed to resonate within me. All of the lies I have told myself, all the assumptions I've made...I forgot.

So, now I need that reminder and more than that I need to be held accountable to this list, because I still want to be the type of person that is on this list. I need to open myself up and pray for God to change me into her. For God to shape me into her.

So, here it goes:

One day...

I will stop comparing myself to others.

One day...

I will stop looking at myself as a mistake, and instead as something made with purpose.

One day...

I will believe in myself as much as those who love me do.

One day...

I will stop looking for "him" and instead let "him" find me.

One day...

I will find something worth writing about.

One day...

I will figure out how to interpret the signs.

One day...

I will dance like there is no one watching.

One day...

I will believe those who believe in me.

One day...

I will stop looking for approval.

One day..

I will see myself through God's eyes and not my own.

And one day...

I will be fearless.